Before we left, I looked up food places online for each of the cities we were going to, in the case that our host was either unable to take us out or had no idea. In KC, Dave’s buddy Justin had to go to work, so we fell back on my list to find a place to eat. This is how we came upon Grinders, a pizza/sandwich place featured on the Food Network, that seemed to be moderately well-known for reasons that included the presence of a pizza topped with a mound of tater tots, chili, cheese, and green onions in the middle.

We figured that we’d already done near-irreparable damage to our digestive systems, so what’s another awful, greasy meal? Here’s a mini photo-essay of the experience, no captions necessary:

Fin.

Of course you would.

This seems like it was a long time ago because, well, it was. Oh well. Dave and I were actually the most surprised by Kansas City. The city, anyway. It seemed bigger and more developed than we would’ve ever imagined. Kauffman Stadium, however, is everything you’ve ever imagined … and less.

Dan: This is our KC host, Justin, another one of Dave’s buddy from USC. I know, I know.
Dave: You can’t buy that type of casual confidence. Fight on.

Dave: This is our lunch at Jack Stack Barbecue, a popular KC bbq place.
Dan: I don’t know any other way of describing this other than “nap food.” I nodded off briefly after that ridiculous stack (jack stack?) of onion rings.

Dave: They made us park our truck miles away, with dozens of empty lots between us and Kauffman. I wasn’t happy.
Dan: For some reason, Dave expressed his outrage by displaying athleticism that can be most accurately be described as “adequate.”

Dan: Me with my statue family. What?
Dave: This could be the exact moment where Dan “lost it.”

Dave: It’s always a little weird asking people to take these sorts of pictures.
Dan: I’m not sure if it’s excitement or the number of empty seats that’s building.

Dan: Empty seats, empty concessions, no outfield waterfall seating…
Dave: Royals Baseball, the excitement is building!!

Dave: Dan liked this view because it made it look like Kauffman Stadium was in the middle of the hatch on Lost.
Dan: 4 8 15 16 23 42…4 8 15 16 23 42…4 8 15 16 23 42…aaahhhh!!!

Dave: This is Dan’s way of saying he’s in the mood for KC females. He’s kind of weird.
Dan: Wassup ladies?

Dave: Dan with the World Series trophy.
Dan: Notice the look of surprise on my face. Actiiiiing!!

Dan: Dave was upset that the Royals jacked “True Blue” from the Dodgers.
Dave: It would probably make more sense if it just said “Sorta Blue-ish”

Dave: Sadly, we missed John Mayberry bobblehead night. Overweight goatee guy is pumped.
Dan: John Mayberry is black?

Dan: What?
Dave: Nevermind.

Dave: These were our tri-tip sandwiches.
Dan: Dave’s looks like a mardi-gras situation, whereas I clearly made a mistake in ordering the questionable special-sauce.

Dave: Action shot!
Dan: This is clearly the most flattering picture of my nose that could possibly ever be captured on film. Thanks, Dave.
Dave: Don’t mention it.

Dan: An empty Dippin’ Dots cart.
Dave: I guess it’s no longer the future of ice cream. Sigh.

Dan: As a girl walked by, this guy said he liked her skirt, to which she replied, “Thanks,” and kept walking. He then said, “Let’s see what’s under it.”
Dave: Dan’s just pissed that his material is getting stolen.

Dave: I rule.
Dan: Dave rules.

Dan: In the middle of the 6th, everyone sings a Garth Brooks song, led by GB himself.
Dave: Apparently, GB has friends in low places. Watch below.

Dave: Daily pose-off.
Dan: You win this one, Strumpf.

KC Food Update later.

Many more updates to come…

Dan: So last year (or so it may seem) at some point, Dave and I drove from Milwaukee to St. Louis in a 20 ft. rental truck. It’s an amazing drive if you hate interesting things to look at and want to risk being taken away in a tornado. Also, we dealt with the fallout of our sleeping situation in Milwaukee, which consisted of an L-shaped couch with its two sections being considerably shorter than our respective heights. Alright, time to picture you.

Dave: Here you go, somewhere in the middle of Illinois.
Dan: I’m bored simply looking at this picture.

Dan: So the wind picked up to a pretty scary level. We were swaying from side to side.
Dave: Dan definitely didn’t start screaming like a girl.

Dave: Uh, yea, we had to go. If we didn’t, my mom, a US History teacher, may have punched me in the throat.
Dan: She’s fo’ real.

Dan: The signs in the museum say no pictures, but isn’t that the very oppression and injustice that Abraham Lincoln would’ve tried to squash?
Dave: Well spoken, Dan.
Dan: Thanks, Dave.

Dave: A quick give and take with a gentleman scholar outside the White House.
Dan: Dave is odd.

Dan: A rousing conversation with the brass regarding the front lines.
Dave: Dan is odd.

Dave: At first we were amazed by the accuracy of the wax figures (arm hair, wrinkles, etc.), but it quickly became creepy and disconcerting.
Dan: Stay tuned for FoulBalls.org full-size wax figures, available in the FB.org online store soon.

Dan: Entering the Lou.
Dave: Memphis is fo’ suckas. And Javaris Crittenton.

Dave: This is downtown and the arch. They say St. Louis is the gateway to the west.
Dan: Indeed.
Dave: Indubitably.
Dan: Precisely.
Dave: Absolutely.

Dan: We were lucky enough to be invited to the game by Dave’s friend Michael and his girlfriend, Lisa. Their seats were, um, alright.
Dave: First row would’ve been nice. Just saying.

Dave: This is what happens when you live in the Midwest.
Dan: I think somebody peed on the Men sign. Ironic. I think.

Dan: The brisket sandwich at Busch Stadium, which was the best single item I have eaten so far at a stadium.
Dave: $17 for a sandwich and a light beer, and we didn’t even mind.

Dan: I’m sort of disgusted looking at myself in this position. Thanks for snapping this, Dave.
Dave: I remember what you were saying right here. It was something like “armph, armph, so good, armph, (burp).”

Dave: Unlike Milwaukee, we were able to get good beer at a stadium named after said beer.
Dan: We here at FoulBalls.org have taken a decidedly pro-beer stance. Suck it, Hawaiian Punch.

Dave: This is me and Michael standing in the outfield.
Dan: Dave’s new go-to pose. I worry that he will do nothing but overuse this for the rest of his life. You’ve been warned.

Dan: Us on the scoreboard behind some contest host.
Dave: We rule.
Dan: No dizzle.

Dave: There’s nothing funny about a DUI.
Dan: Except for this jersey.
Dave: For whatever reason, I feel like drinking a ton of wine and falling asleep at a stoplight.
Dan: Hm, strange.

Dan: Apparently, they actually sell these to people.
Dave: God, we’re douches.

Dan: Busch really is a great stadium. Cool brick exterior with statues of Cards greats, an ideal stadium layout with city views, a huge scoreboard, and the signature kindness of Cardinals fans.
Dave: If you love Busch Stadium so much, why don’t you just marry it?
Dan: Maybe I will, Dave. Maybe I will.

:: email@foulballs.org ::

So today we’re on a tough stretch of 630 miles from KC to Boulder, CO. A few guidelines:

• Do NOT eat a pizza smothered in tater tots, chili, and cheese before a 10 hour drive. It was outrageously awesome (pic to be uploaded soon) but you could only imagine the metabolic suffering we’ve endured thanks to a bumpy interstate.
• There is nothing to see in Kansas, so you could get delirious. Dan stuck his head out the window and started screaming. I went on a wild honk binge.
• 10 hours is a lot of time. Prepare to entertain yourself in strange ways. Dan and I DEFINITELY DID NOT watch the newest “Hills” episode or play adult film trivia.
• A worthwhile detour is Lawrence. We snuck into Allen Fieldhouse (the birthplace of bball) at KU for a photo. I pretended a free throw. The janitor told me I had great form.

Boulder this weekend for Dan’s coverage of the College Ultimate Frisbee Championship for SI.com

Pictures from St. Louis and KC coming soon.

No excuses, here’s Milwaukee.

Dan: After waking up Monday morning in Chi-town, Dave and I ran four miles to burn off a small portion of what we’ve been destorying our bodies with.
Dave: Our sweat definitely smelled like pizza, hot dogs, beer, and chili fries. Keep in mind this was BEFORE we even stepped foot outside of Andrew’s apartment.
Dan: It was a quality run. Satisfying enough to set up an appetite for….

Dave: Sultan’s Market, home of the “Best Falafel in Chicago.” It was DEELISH.
Dan: Dave ordered two lunches: falafel and schwerma. Dave, please don’t use the word “deelish” anymore. Thanks.

Dave: Two hour drive to Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Dan: We passed the “Mars Cheese Castle.” I wanted to stop for cheese until my stomach told me something along the lines of: “Blurgle, blurgle, blurgle….no.”

Dave: We stayed here at my buddy Ethan’s place. I know him from USC.
Dan: Just from being around two Trojans, I’m pretty sure I run the risk of being investigated by the NCAA*.

*Topical Humor.

Dan: Outside Miller Park, which Bill Simmons calls a “Giant Space Vulva.”
Dave: What’s a vulva?

Dave: They tailgate at Miller Park before every game
Dan: Somehow all of the sausage, cheese fries, and beer has left the populace of Milwaukee somewhat overweight. Flabbergasting.

Dan: A dollar for a hot dog and a dollar for a soda.
Dave: I did my patriotic duty and stuffed my face at a great value.

Dave: Us with our beer and brats.
Dan: Dave was disappointed with his Miller Lite, which puts him into an elite club of “Most People.”

Dan: This guy sang the national anthem with this questionable audio device.
Dave: He then landed a plane, did a football sideline report in 1993, and took a fast food drive-thru. order.

Dave: Dan posing questionably in a giant glove and with a wax figure of Prince Fielder.
Dan: This is from the upcoming Foul Balls fashion line, made up mostly of clothes that smell like old beer, sweat, and broken dreams.

Dan: A car, seemingly lost, appeared on the field between innings.
Dave: GPS is still a questionable science at best. I just like that nobody appeared fazed at the scene.

Dave: Eric Gagne, a $10 million setup man. Value!
Dan: I wonder if he thought that beyond the beer and the brats, Miller Park was famous for concession injections.

Dan: This is Dave holding his nuts.
Dave: Tee hee.

Dan: The sausages in some sort of kids playpen.
Dave: I’m not entirely comfortable knowing sausages grow fuller facial hair than I do.

Dave: Us on the first base line.
Dan: Did you know that that old Brewer glove logo is actually an “m” and a “b?” I had no idea.

Dan: This is what beer looks like, in case you were wondering.
Dave: Call me crazy, but Miller Park Miller Lite should taste a little like beer.

Dan: I thought the stadium was fine, but not much more than that, kind of cavernous and a little disappointing.
Dave: What’s a vulva?

Dave: What. The. Hell.
Dan: Miller Park!

Soon: St Louee

We are a little behind on posting photos. Milwaukee will be up by tomorrow, followed by St. Lou

• A little more than seven hours on the road
• A ton (TON) of gasoline
• Gas station Jimmy John’s
• Almost getting swept off the interstate by central Illinois winds
• The Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum in Springfield, IL
• More late 90s music trivia
• Busch Stadium, Cardinals game, stadium food, post-stadium meal back here
• Complaining about being worn out from a baseball road trip.

We’ve got a good amount of down time tomorrow in Kansas City, so you’ll get your Miller Park/Milwaukee then, and you’ll like it, damn it.